Motivation…

PSA: Please be aware of your pets. I’ve seen two cats in my neighbourhood roaming around and it’s cold! Thankfully they look healthy and one had a collar but like SERIOUSLY PEOPLE! I can’t afford to take them in but it’s getting to the point where I’m going to have to.

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I love cats.

Anyways, the last couple of days I feel like I’ve been getting close to burn out. I’m feeling very tired both mentally and physically. However, I’ve still been scheduling my time and doing little things here and there. I’ve tried to limit my tasks to things that won’t exert too much physical energy because I just don’t have it in me. I’ve done a lot of work. I’ve cleaned my makeup brushes, I got some groceries, etc. etc.

The weekend is coming and we don’t have anything planned, and I’m really happy about that. It’s going to give us time to relax, do some little chores, and hopefully it’ll help me rest enough to get back on the productive train.

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This will be me this weekend, I HOPE

I know that next week it’s going to be about job searching, deep cleaning, and making a plan to manage my finances. We really have to buckle down now that our income has been slashed and our expenses haven’t. One of the bad habits I have is shopping. I shop very smart, I keep my eyes on sales, and I thrift a lot. But when you work from home, you find yourself having to get out of your space to disconnect. I have a habit of walking around the mall or going to shops, when I really should JUST be walking. A coffee here and there won’t hurt, but it all adds up.

I’ve “developed” a new plan for myself for at least next week, and will hopefully go into the following week as well. It’ll be especially important because we have a lot of bills to pay in the middle of the month and that needs to be our priority. I wanted to do a spending freeze minus groceries, but I know, at least for next week, it’s not going to work. So I’m doing the Five and Freeze method! I don’t know if it’s an original idea but it’s one I thought of today and am going to try it.

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Not anymore!

This means that I am only allowed to buy five things next week. This won’t necessarily be five items but it’s just five things:

  1. Foundation (I’m running really low!)
  2. Face moisturizer (I just ran out and moisturizer is a must)
  3. Cat Food (they are running low on everything right about now)
  4. Filler groceries (I will try to limit myself to $20 and do some sale hunting)
  5. TBD

I didn’t leave out the fifth intentionally, but it’ll be good to have that space to be able to get something if an emergency comes up. Other than this, I am not going to let myself buy anything. With the menial spending I do week to week, it’ll save a lot of money that we can either put away or catch up on our obligations.

After these two weeks, I think it’ll help us catch up quite a bit and I can have a little wiggle room. However, I am trying to convince my hubby to go to an envelope system. We take out cash to go towards our typical expenses and we don’t necessarily allow ourselves to spend it all. I’ve been able to cut down our grocery bills quite a bit, but we can still put the money we budget into the envelopes and watch it roll over! That way, if we’re short on cash, we should have some cushion for those needed things. So far, I have a grocery envelope, a cat envelope, a “fun” envelope, and a Christmas envelope. I can’t think of anything else at this point – so please let me know if you have suggestions!

I know we still have some of this year left, so for the rest of this and for my 2020, it’s going to be a GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER year. I have high hopes that I will excel in my career, start (or finish) my super big goals, and get our finances in order. Staying motivated is really hard, but we have way more to gain than we have to lose.

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I WILL I WILL I WILL

Next week, I’ll be sure to update you on how my Five and Freeze goes, and I also want to share with you the things I use to stay organized, and of course continue to diary everything. I’m thinking that my blog is going to look like two-three posts about my days and all the things anxiety related, and maybe one will be something special that’s not a diary.

Having this platform has been so cathartic for me, so if you read this, thank you. I don’t necessarily expect that people would want to read this, but I’m not going to let that get in the way of my motivation to do this.

Your friend,

Alicia

Also if you have budgeting tips please drop them in the comments!

*all images via GIPHY*

This Week Has Been Weird

Having a good immune system is great, but when you are teetering on getting sick for a few days you’re just like CAN YOU JUST GET FULL ON SICK SO I CAN GET OVER IT!?

The last couple of days have been pretty busy. I had a job “interview” that was kind of weird, bought a top from a thrift store that I really didn’t need but couldn’t resist, and did a little bit more cleaning. I also worked quite a bit from home, and made myself a list of all the work things I wanted to accomplish because sometimes I get too distracted.

I also drank a LOT of coffee this day in order to stay awake. With holding myself accountable to do more physical things and working out, I’m finding I need a lot more coffee or I crash.

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ME ME ME ME ME ME ME | via Giphy

Yesterday I had a work meeting that was SUPER inspiring. It’s made me fall in love with working online even more. There’s just so many cool things and so many TOOLS and things to make things so much easier and it’s just awesome. Yesterday I was feeling worse sick-wise than I had previously in the week, so laundry wasn’t done and I didn’t do anything else chore-wise I wanted to, really. I’ve been giving myself time to read a lot though, and it’s been awesome. I’m reading Marcia Clark’s book about the OJ trial and … wow. I also got my first ever flu shot and OW. I’ll never understand why I get so nervous about little tiny needles but never about tattoos. I mean, tattoos HURT in my opinion, but my nerves aren’t out of whack when I get one.

Today, it’s work work work work work work work and I’m finally catching up on laundry. I’m also going to take a little time to do the small things that make me happy, like have a nice warm bath, do my nails and my eyebrows, and possibly finish my book. I’m also going to go through the fridge and pantry and start my meal planning and shopping list.

I’ve learned the technique of shopping your pantry/fridge and only picking up a few ingredients that help create meals, and OMG it saves us so much money! I would usually try and meal plan and then we just would shop and shop thinking we needed all this food, and of course, we were wasting a lot. Most trips would be at least $100-$120 and then us grabbing fast food or Starbucks because we didn’t want to go home and cook. Since I have so much free time, I’ve been taking the bus to a nearby grocery store after shopping my pantry and using the Flipp app to price match or go where the stuff I NEED is on sale. The last — hmm, maybe three or four grocery shops — I’ve been spending between $50 and $70! I have the time to buy fresh when we need it for a meal in between shops, so less of our food is being wasted. I’ve also looked to finding freezer-friendly recipes with some of our random food that needs to be used up, which helps with waste. I’m loving it! Grocery shopping is one of my most favorite things to do, so finding ways to make it more economical for us is amazing. We need to stock up on everything for the cats pretty much so I have a feeling it’s going to be an expensive time.  And no, I will never, ever, ever, buy my groceries online. 

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They’re so expensive but HOW COULD YOU NOT?!

Anyways, the next couple of days will probably be pretty work heavy. I think that next week I’m going to start looking for more jobs, whether online or within the realm of what I was doing before. I also need to restart my workouts while the weather is still okay. I’m thinking of also starting to do a nice deep clean of each room, giving each room a couple of days to really focus on. We also have so many closets in this apartment that need some love.

I’m fighting with burnout right now. I’ve exerted myself so much this week. I feel exhausted. I want a day to just CHILL. This is my anxiety though. I know I do actually need to relax more so I can try and fight this sickness, but I also have a habit of pushing and pushing and pushing to the point where I just cannot anymore.

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ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME ME | via Giphy

I’m going to go nuke my coffee and get back to it though…

Your friend,

Alicia

My Day Today

I woke up this morning not late, but late for me, and knowing that I really wanted to kill it today. We had a wedding on Saturday, and all Sunday we were just tired and lazy. I felt like I was getting a cold but thankfully, it seems to be going away. I’m getting my flu shot for the first time this week (ahh!) so I’m really hoping that’ll actually work for me this winter. But my body is also really, really good at battling sickness so I don’t usually get super sick more than once a year.

So I made myself a list for things to do today, and my priority for the day was getting some cleaning done and catching up on laundry. I find that one of the ways my anxiety manifests in my life is through being messy. I HATE MESS but when I’m really down, I just don’t deal with it. I let things get messy and I cannot find the motivation to clean it, but it makes my anxiety worse, and it’s just all not cute.

I tidied up our living room, where we spend most of our time, and I’m feeling really inspired to change it up a little. I’m hoping to edit my shelves so I can have some room for Christmas decorations, as my hubby wants to do it right after Remembrance Day (that’s our compromise). I also tidied up our bedroom, because there were clothes all over the floor and there was garbage that didn’t need to be there anymore. This inspired me to organize my closet, since there were a bunch of things on the floor and I also needed to hide the Christmas presents I’ve already bought. I’m going to post some pictures once I’m completely finished with my closet. It was pretty easy to do since we had SOOOO much laundry to wash. I did a load today and will do the rest tomorrow. We live in a building so doing laundry is a chore and a half.

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This is my MOOD today! Let’s see how long it lasts… | via Giphy

I did some work from home as well, and I’m really feeling like I need to find a way to improve that. I think I’ve been slacking lately which is not ideal, because it’s my main source of income. I love the job though and I’ve been doing it for so long. I’m really hoping I get better with that stuff.

Also, one of the blog posts I’d like to do soon is to chat about the YouTube channels I really love watching and find inspiring, either when I’m in a slump, need to feel like I can relate to someone, or need some life advice. So sneak preview: one of my latest discoveries was Jordan Page, who is like GOALS in so many ways. One of her little life hacks is to do a spending freeze. I’ve been kind of shop crazy with stressing about Christmas and shopping early so I know I really should cut it out until I get paid again. I thought, hey, why not do it this week!? And then while cleaning I realized … We need garbage bags… we have no coffee filters … my cat broke my last hair tie … and it goes on. We can’t go a week without this stuff. So off I went, but thankfully I had a coupon for one store that helped me get some essentials for cheap. I was also kind of bad and bought myself Starbucks, but went for just a plain black coffee and a bagel to keep things cheap.

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QUEEN Jordan Page | via Fun Cheap Or Free

For the rest of the day, I’m going to make a nice, healthy dinner, get some more work done, and organize my next couple of days. At this point, I know I want to share those YouTube channels, and I think I might do a post showing how I’ve been organizing my life lately.

Mentally, I’m feeling pretty good today. I do find sometimes that when I start getting productive, I panic a little bit because I think of a million other things I can do after and I can either push myself and get really exhausted, or I just stress and then stop doing things. I also get really excited and motivated, which is awesome, but it doesn’t always last. I’m really over my lack of motivation. I know it’s one thing I really need to work on.

I’ll update you on how things are going tomorrow or Wednesday.

What do you do to nurture productivity? Please let me know, and also let me know if you have any organization life hacks – I NEED THEM!

Your friend,

Alicia

Something New…

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Sorry I had to! | via Tenor

Okay, here we go again. I could make excuses or I could just not.

I started this blog with the hope to inspire people by sharing stories and insight and advice. I also love fashion and vintage shopping and my cats so I was going to sprinkle a little bit of that in too. I was doing pretty well mentally at that time. A LOT! of stuff has happened since I first started this blog. I tried to focus on just like, staying alive (sorry, that’s dark) and getting myself through each day. I didn’t really feel like I could give this much attention.

Now, I’m slightly unemployed, starting to get in a proper exercise routine, and have so much TIME! I have been thinking about post idea after post idea but I wasn’t super into anything I was coming up with.

I’ve been doing a lot of reading and watching YouTube and getting re-inspired (I really want to share the channels I’ve been loving and find motivating – will put this on the list of future blogs) and I’ve decided that I’m back and I want to do things a little differently.

I am still going to share my life living with a mental illness – that’s a given. I want to give a different kind of insight into my life though. I want to show you a lot more. I want this to be a place where I’m being held accountable and able to share all the things I love, and share how I truly get through the day. I don’t sit there and tell myself inspiring things and remind myself of what I’ve been through all the time (I do this when I’m trying to sleep HAHAHAA WHAT IS SLEEP?!) so why am I going to do that here.

One of the many “tasks” I’ve given myself is to write myself a list of things to do every day. It could be things as simple as feeding my cats, or myself, or cleaning, or buying things I need, or even to shower (we can talk about this later lol). I’ve also REALLY REALLY REALLY wanted to start YouTube and vlog/chat but I still don’t have the courage to go there completely. I also want to write a book but can’t really focus on what I want that to be about. So I’m going to use this blog to share my life in more ways than I’ve been doing and I hope people enjoy that! I know I am obsessed with watching people live their lives and reading about their lives and sharing what they learn along the way. I’m not necessarily looking for fame or fortune or to become an “influencer,” – I mean, ideally, this would be my job – I’m just trying to conjure up the things I want in life and just freaking GOING FOR IT for once in my damn life. I mean, I’m 28, I’m having a crisis of not liking where I’m at, and I’m sick of just sulking about how things aren’t the way I want them to be. You know? Like every single person who has the career I want has been like “Why me?” or “I’ll never make it!” and they DO!

My goal at this point is to post either every day, or every other day. Ideally, I’d be posting something every day because I want this to actually reach people and consistency is key, folks.

So let’s ride this accountability train together!

I hope you enjoy my not-very-glamorous-seriously-hanging-on-by-my-vintage-blazer-buttons-what-the-heck-am-I-doing life!

I will be posting again very shortly with a rundown of my day today.

Your friend,

Alicia

I Refuse To Hate My Body

I would normally never post a photo like this of my bare legs but… Did it.

*Trigger Warning: Talk of eating habits and weight loss/gain that may be sensitive to people living with an eating disorder*

I can’t remember a time where the thought of food and weight wasn’t prevalent. My weight had fluctuated throughout my many years, and more often than not I’ve been “overweight.” I put that in quotation marks because what does that even mean anymore?

This journey to love your body is a never-ending one. I’m not claiming to have triumphed this completely. I’m always going to have days where I don’t feel good about myself. I’m just no longer going to let that be because of what other people think.

I’ve spent way too much time and energy throughout my life worrying about how my body looks rather than how it feels. I’ve cared too long about how other people look at my body and how they equate it to my worth. I’ve wasted too much energy thinking about how I eat and how I exercise when I could have been using that energy towards something more positive.

Learning to love my body and shift my worries to something more positive is part of my personal healing process and learning to live with my anxiety.

If you’re on this same journey of self-love, or have ever believed that your weight and body type mattered more than your happiness, please take this pledge with me. It won’t be easy and you’ll have moments where you forget this for a moment – but that moment will pass and you can put some extra effort into loving yourself.

So here we go…

I loved this photo when I took it and posted it, and then I started focusing on the way my stomach looks, and then I decided – who cares?!

I refuse to speak or think negatively about my body. I will no longer hate this vessel that carries me through life. Hating myself serves no purpose for anyone. I will stop myself when I notice I’m talking badly about my body.

I refuse to start an unhealthy diet or exercise regimen with the sole goal of losing weight. I won’t subject myself to something unhealthy to lose weight. I will continue to eat the healthy foods I love without being afraid to indulge in something unhealthy when I choose. I won’t feel guilty about slipping out of a healthy diet once in a while. I will not eat less than I should.

Via Giphy

I refuse to compare myself to other women and I refuse to bring others down, in my own head or out loud. I will embrace the beauty in everyone and I will empower the women around me. I refuse to think that because I don’t look like her, I’m not good enough. I refuse to shame another woman for how she decides to showcase or not showcase her body.

I refuse to care when people call me fat. What others think about my body does not matter. I refuse to consider what someone else thinks about the way I should eat, work out, dress, or act based on my body now. I know that I’m more than my body.

I refuse to look at photos of my wedding and think that I was fat. I refuse to forget about how amazing that day was, how beautiful my dress was, and that I looked and felt beautiful on that day.

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I refuse to shame myself when I look at photos of myself. I no longer want to shy away from photos because I’m scared I won’t look good.

I refuse the idea that I can’t be sexy. I refuse the idea that I need to prove that I’m sexy to other people. It doesn’t matter.

I refuse to change the way I dress or stop myself from buying something that other people say doesn’t suit my body. I refuse to hide my stomach and my thighs and my arms or whatever else because none of those things are small. I will wear what I want, when I want, and no one can take away the power in that.

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I refuse to stop caring about my health no matter what it does to my weight. I will not eat healthy just to lose weight. I will not not eat something because I might gain weight. If I am losing weight, I will not obsess. I will just let whatever happens to my weight happen naturally. If I gain weight, I won’t beat myself up for it.

I refuse to forget that I need to do my part in promoting body positivity to all the men and women and others I know. I refuse to shame someone else about their own journey and choices. I will not support dangerous tactics, but I will not make someone feel bad ever.

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I hope you join me in this pledge to start embracing our bodies; the good, the bad, and the ugly. It’s just a vessel for us to be here and experience this life, which is very fleeting.

Your friend,

Alicia

Feeling Defeated

You know how sometimes there’s just so much going on that’s not even really in your power, and how it can make you feel so defeated?

That’s what I’m living with right now. I work so hard, I try so hard, and it doesn’t seem to be paying off right now. Coupling that with a mental illness that causes so much fear and worry – not ideal.

How I currently feel thinking about the path my life is going lol. | Via Giphy

How do you pick yourself up from it!? Everyone can tell you that you’ll be okay and they have your back and one day your time will come, but you can’t tell yourself that and have yourself believe it.

When you live with seemingly no sense of control, there are two outcomes. You either try to control everything, or you feel like you’re just wafting through life as things happen TO you. With the latter, you can find yourself blaming the world without realizing that many of your actions and choices get you there, even if you’re not actively pursuing the outcome.

Minus the crack. | Via Giphy

So right now, I feel defeated. I feel like I’ve been served some bad sushi that I don’t necessarily deserve or feel like I’ve done anything to make it happen. But to a certain extent, I have made it happen, so with all of my fear and lack of control, what do I do?

You know for someone who worries about how every little moment is going to define my life, I sure struggle with finding or maintaining motivation. But every time I come across a moment where I can choose to make things better for myself, I’m stuck.

LOL! | Via Giphy

How do you motivate yourself to go on and make your life what you want it to be when there’s an internal voice that always tells you it can’t be you, or you’ll fail, or you don’t have what it takes?

I wanted to share this honesty because I know I’m not the only who feels this way. I feel like people my age have so much stacked against them, and yet try to play things off as if we’re not crumbling under the weight of trying to make it in this world.

Yes Kesha! | Via Giphy

What I also want to know as well is: have you ever made a huge sacrifice, or taken a big leap of faith, to give your dreams a shot? What advice do you have for someone who wants to get there?

If you understand this reference, hello and I love you. | Via Giphy

Your friend,

Alicia

I’m scared.

I know it’s been months and months and I could give you an explanation but I’ll keep it at this: life has been hard, lots has happened, I felt like I didn’t have time to get in a headspace to want to write, etc etc. But I just got some bad news today and am trying to see the bright side of things and… I don’t know I guess I’m just tired of crying.

So part of the reason I’ve been gone for so long is because I got a really good job. The environment is amazing, the pay is awesome, all this great stuff… But I’m losing it in September. Even though I’ve worked so hard and they could change their minds tomorrow and want to keep me on, they might not. It was a contract job so I was expecting this to happen but it was one of those things that I didn’t realize was so hard until I was writing an email in years saying I have to go home because I’m so upset after getting this news. Like I have bills and stuff and debt. How am I going to live on unemployment which is half my salary and just HOPE they call me back.

Well. I’ve been wondering if this is the right thing for me to do. Yes it’s steady and easy and if I were to go permanent I’m set for life. But would I be happy? Would I be fulfilled?

I don’t know how to start over and get through this and I’m scared. I really, really want to see this as a blessing in disguise because I’ve been wanting to pursue my passions for so long. But I’ve been worried that doing so will set us back financially and what if I don’t succeed? But also how will I know if I don’t try?

I’ve always wanted to be a writer and have wanted to do YouTube or something because I feel like I have a message to share. I even filmed myself crying about this hoping that I can look back on it and laugh one day because I didn’t believe in myself. I know that anyone who has ever been successful has been in this situation and took risks and they were scared but they did it.

So I don’t know. I’m going to have more time eventually to be able to dedicate myself to this blog and other things. I’m really really scared. Ugh.

At this point, I’ll still have a job until the end of September and then I can get unemployment, plus I have a work from home job that helps a little bit. But maybe I can use that time off to get a part time job, and still be able to pursue my dreams. I think I’ve burned my bridges on the freelance site I was using because I missed a couple jobs when my health was bad. But I can find another one.

I’m really trying to find some perspective that is hopeful and optimistic. I know it’s going to be a struggle, but it could be worth it.

I guess we’ll see. For now, I want to get back to this. I have a couple posts on here I didn’t finish and lots of other ideas in my head. I may film some videos and post them here and on YouTube. Ugh… But I’m really scared.

Life Update

So one of my most recent posts before this little “hiatus” I took was my New Year’s Resolutions, and one of them was that I would be writing more. And then life happened…

So this blog is my baby and my passion project and I never intended to neglect it. But since around Christmas, there has been a lot of change that I’ve needed to process. I’ve had some really dark moments in my anxiety as well and it made me feel like I couldn’t contribute anything positive or helpful to this blog. In retrospect, I should have been blogging about that too because anxiety really is so multidimensional.

So in my time off, I’ve gained a niece who is the most beautiful little girl, but she just couldn’t wait to be in this world and is spending some time cooking in the hospital. I’ve also changed jobs – well, finally gained a career which I never thought would happen. It’s an incredible job with lots of learning so I’ve had to dedicate myself to that. I’ve also been spending more time with friends and having fun, which as you probably know by now, is REALLY hard for me.

This is the first selfie I’ve taken and published in a long time. Huge step for me.

So now that I’m feeling a little more settled and have ideas floating around in my brain, I think it’s time to get back to this. I hope you jump back on this journey with me and we can all heal and inspire each other.

Your friend,

Alicia

How Anxiety Has Helped Me Improve

Can anxiety, or any other illness, really be a blessing in disguise?

It can’t happen overnight, but choosing to see your own mental illness as something positive for you is really some great perspective to have. It’s a great mindset to be in when you are trying to conquer your mental illness enough that you can live a “normal” life.

I want to share with you some things I’ve improved on in my life, which I thank my anxiety for. That way, maybe you can look inside of yourself and see that while mental illness doesn’t define you, it helps shape you, and that’s not a bad thing!

I’m Empathetic

Via Giphy

You may notice that people you know with mental illness have this admirable ability to make others around them happy, and they often go above and beyond to help others. Often times, it’s hard to understand how these people could have a mental illness.

Many people with mental illness are also empaths. An empaths feels others’ emotions, pain (sometimes physical pain too), and they have an ability to understand a multitude of thoughts and experiences on a deep level. Empaths know how unpleasant pain and grief and loss and suffering is, so they will do everything in their power to help others not feel that way. A great example of this was Robin Williams.

My mental illness makes me an empath, which can be a blessing to people around me. I can connect with people at their core to not only crate meaningful friendships, but help people cope and learn and grow.

I Stand Up For Myself

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I’ve been what you call a pushover a lot of my life. I don’t like disappointing people so I would often keep my mouth shut when something bothered me.

The issue with this as my anxiety became worse is I cannot get over something that bothers me. Therefore, I’ve learned to speak my mind and stand up for myself and others which is always a great quality.

However, I have enough insight to pick my battles, and I don’t hold grudges.

I Create Deep Bonds With People

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Having heightened emotions and thoughts has helped me come so much more in tune with myself, which helps me connect with others so much more profoundly.

I’m very open about my experience and that helps me bond with people in a less superficial way. I’ve made some incredible friends in the past few years through this kind of bonding, and many of my existing friendships only became stronger.

I Can Make People Laugh

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Because I like to bring joy to others, I’m much more open with my humour which I use as a coping mechanism.

Being able to laugh about the things that are associated with mental illness helps them feel a little less intense.

I’ve Learned To Know Myself And Love Myself

I do definitely contribute much of my happiness and healing to others. However, I’ve fallen back in love with myself and have let myself be inspired by my own strength and perseverence.

I truly believe there is a unique and intense power in people with mental illness possess. We are fighters, we are survivors. We live with some really real shit and have to fight for our own sense of normalcy. Simple things that people take for granted mean so much more to us – like leaving the house, having friends, maintaining employment, going to parties; things like that. While unfortunately we know that not everyone is able to fight and survive, those of you that are here and are doing it – find your worth in the fact that you are here reading this, and love yourself for that. You are surviving like a damn superhero and you can continue to do that because you have already done it.

How do YOU find ways to appreciate and love yourself? Are you working on it?

Let me know.

Your friend,

Alicia

I’m Scared Everyone Hates Me

My anxiety is dominated by a lot of fear. I have a lot of fears, both rational and irrational. One fear I’ve had for a long time, even before I knew I had anxiety, is that everyone hates me.

Via Giphy

I recently discussed this with some of my co-workers, as I have really awesome people I work with who I consider friends. Because I feel this way about them, it’s so important for me to know they feel the same. When I told them this, they simply just said “I like you.” And it was so wonderful to hear. I didn’t get judged, I didn’t get told I’m silly or stupid or worry too much.

This fear has held me back from a lot of opportunities in my life. It holds me back from making friends, or from having acquaintances turn into friends. This fear makes it hard for me to be around people I don’t know, or hard for me to go into situations where I have to meet new people.

Me at parties 🤣 | Via Giphy

The silly thing is that I know I’m a good person. I know I’m a good friend. I can be fun to be around. I get along with most people because I’m fairly impartial and I don’t judge people off of first impressions. So how then can I have this self-depricating, self-destructive, constant thought in my head?

I’m sure this is something that many people can relate to, regardless of whether or not they have a mental illness. We may not like to admit it, but we place a lot of our self worth into other peoples’ hands. We want to be liked, be valued, and to feel like our presence contributes to peoples’ happiness.

Also me at parties. | Via Giphy

So to people who think I’m boring or off-putting or rude because I’m sitting in the corner or not saying anything because I don’t care,etc etc…

My mind is circling with worry and fear that I am going to say something or do something to make you not like me. I’m worrying that I’m not interesting enough or extroverted enough or smart enough. I’m thinking about all the ways I’m sabotaging myself by not just being open. I’m scared because you mean something to someone in my life and I don’t want to ruin that. I’m just scared. It has nothing to do with you. I’m trying so hard.

Via Giphy

Do you suffer from this fear too? What helps you cope?

Your friend,

Alicia