I’m scared.

I know it’s been months and months and I could give you an explanation but I’ll keep it at this: life has been hard, lots has happened, I felt like I didn’t have time to get in a headspace to want to write, etc etc. But I just got some bad news today and am trying to see the bright side of things and… I don’t know I guess I’m just tired of crying.

So part of the reason I’ve been gone for so long is because I got a really good job. The environment is amazing, the pay is awesome, all this great stuff… But I’m losing it in September. Even though I’ve worked so hard and they could change their minds tomorrow and want to keep me on, they might not. It was a contract job so I was expecting this to happen but it was one of those things that I didn’t realize was so hard until I was writing an email in years saying I have to go home because I’m so upset after getting this news. Like I have bills and stuff and debt. How am I going to live on unemployment which is half my salary and just HOPE they call me back.

Well. I’ve been wondering if this is the right thing for me to do. Yes it’s steady and easy and if I were to go permanent I’m set for life. But would I be happy? Would I be fulfilled?

I don’t know how to start over and get through this and I’m scared. I really, really want to see this as a blessing in disguise because I’ve been wanting to pursue my passions for so long. But I’ve been worried that doing so will set us back financially and what if I don’t succeed? But also how will I know if I don’t try?

I’ve always wanted to be a writer and have wanted to do YouTube or something because I feel like I have a message to share. I even filmed myself crying about this hoping that I can look back on it and laugh one day because I didn’t believe in myself. I know that anyone who has ever been successful has been in this situation and took risks and they were scared but they did it.

So I don’t know. I’m going to have more time eventually to be able to dedicate myself to this blog and other things. I’m really really scared. Ugh.

At this point, I’ll still have a job until the end of September and then I can get unemployment, plus I have a work from home job that helps a little bit. But maybe I can use that time off to get a part time job, and still be able to pursue my dreams. I think I’ve burned my bridges on the freelance site I was using because I missed a couple jobs when my health was bad. But I can find another one.

I’m really trying to find some perspective that is hopeful and optimistic. I know it’s going to be a struggle, but it could be worth it.

I guess we’ll see. For now, I want to get back to this. I have a couple posts on here I didn’t finish and lots of other ideas in my head. I may film some videos and post them here and on YouTube. Ugh… But I’m really scared.

Published by Alicia Gallant

I'm a 20-something girl living with severe anxiety and panic on a journey to love myself. I'm becoming a part of the conversation about mental health through honesty and humour. *Photo: Stefanie Moreau Photography

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