My anxiety is dominated by a lot of fear. I have a lot of fears, both rational and irrational. One fear I’ve had for a long time, even before I knew I had anxiety, is that everyone hates me.
I recently discussed this with some of my co-workers, as I have really awesome people I work with who I consider friends. Because I feel this way about them, it’s so important for me to know they feel the same. When I told them this, they simply just said “I like you.” And it was so wonderful to hear. I didn’t get judged, I didn’t get told I’m silly or stupid or worry too much.
This fear has held me back from a lot of opportunities in my life. It holds me back from making friends, or from having acquaintances turn into friends. This fear makes it hard for me to be around people I don’t know, or hard for me to go into situations where I have to meet new people.
The silly thing is that I know I’m a good person. I know I’m a good friend. I can be fun to be around. I get along with most people because I’m fairly impartial and I don’t judge people off of first impressions. So how then can I have this self-depricating, self-destructive, constant thought in my head?
I’m sure this is something that many people can relate to, regardless of whether or not they have a mental illness. We may not like to admit it, but we place a lot of our self worth into other peoples’ hands. We want to be liked, be valued, and to feel like our presence contributes to peoples’ happiness.
So to people who think I’m boring or off-putting or rude because I’m sitting in the corner or not saying anything because I don’t care,etc etc…
My mind is circling with worry and fear that I am going to say something or do something to make you not like me. I’m worrying that I’m not interesting enough or extroverted enough or smart enough. I’m thinking about all the ways I’m sabotaging myself by not just being open. I’m scared because you mean something to someone in my life and I don’t want to ruin that. I’m just scared. It has nothing to do with you. I’m trying so hard.
Do you suffer from this fear too? What helps you cope?