… but most days, I do.
I live in this very concentrated, very high intensity bubble of fear and paranoia. I couldn’t even count the amount of fears and intrusive, paranoid thoughts pop in my head on a daily basis if I tried. I couldn’t tell you how many different ways I imagine I might die in a day. I couldn’t tell you how many ways I think I might ruin my life in one day.
I can just tell you that I don’t remember a day where I haven’t had these thoughts. Sometimes I feel like I’m the weirdest person in the world. Sometimes I wonder if everyone thinks like this.
Most days, I don’t want to leave my apartment. I want to stay in this cocoon of safety where I make my own rules and conform to my own needs. (Yes, I do know bad things can happen in your home as well… we don’t need to go there right now.)
But the reality is, I have to. I work a full-time job. I need to buy food and cat supplies and other things. I need to see my friends and family, I need to treat myself to a coffee or ice cream every once in a while. I need the sunshine and fresh air so badly.
Some days I can typically turn the volume down on those thoughts. Some days, I have to cry and stand in front of the door for a while and tell myself I’m going to be okay. Sometimes I have a little panic attack on my way to wherever I have to go. Every now and then, I have a day where I just can’t do it.
It has nothing to do with laziness. It has nothing to do with not being motivated. It has nothing to do with being ungrateful or unappreciative of the life I have. It’s this overwhelming sense of dread and fear that feels so strong and so real to me most days. It’s this feeling of being vulnerable to the world around me, which can be so scary sometimes. It’s thinking that it happened to someone else, so it can happen to me.
I rarely have a day where I don’t leave the house. I challenge myself to, even if it’s just to grab a snack at the corner store. I know I’ll always have days every now and then where I just can’t. It doesn’t mean I’m weak or I’m going downhill. It’s just sometimes you have to let yourself feel what you are feeling and let yourself get through the down times naturally.
Plus, my cats are SO CUDDLY!
Is there anything that helps you cope when you feel like you can’t leave your home? Let me know in the comments.