Some Days I Don’t Want To Leave My Apartment

20180428_115814
I mean, when you have a cat that cuddles like this, would YOU? | via Giphy

… but most days, I do.

I live in this very concentrated, very high intensity bubble of fear and paranoia. I couldn’t even count the amount of fears and intrusive, paranoid thoughts pop in my head on a daily basis if I tried. I couldn’t tell you how many different ways I imagine I might die in a day. I couldn’t tell you how many ways I think I might ruin my life in one day.

I can just tell you that I don’t remember a day where I haven’t had these thoughts. Sometimes I feel like I’m the weirdest person in the world. Sometimes I wonder if everyone thinks like this.

Most days, I don’t want to leave my apartment. I want to stay in this cocoon of safety where I make my own rules and conform to my own needs. (Yes, I do know bad things can happen in your home as well… we don’t need to go there right now.)

But the reality is, I have to. I work a full-time job. I need to buy food and cat supplies and other things. I need to see my friends and family, I need to treat myself to a coffee or ice cream every once in a while. I need the sunshine and fresh air so badly.

Some days I can typically turn the volume down on those thoughts. Some days, I have to cry and stand in front of the door for a while and tell myself I’m going to be okay. Sometimes I have a little panic attack on my way to wherever I have to go. Every now and then, I have a day where I just can’t do it.

It has nothing to do with laziness. It has nothing to do with not being motivated. It has nothing to do with being ungrateful or unappreciative of the life I have. It’s this overwhelming sense of dread and fear that feels so strong and so real to me most days. It’s this feeling of being vulnerable to the world around me, which can be so scary sometimes. It’s thinking that it happened to someone else, so it can happen to me.

I rarely have a day where I don’t leave the house. I challenge myself to, even if it’s just to grab a snack at the corner store. I know I’ll always have days every now and then where I just can’t. It doesn’t mean I’m weak or I’m going downhill. It’s just sometimes you have to let yourself feel what you are feeling and let yourself get through the down times naturally.

Plus, my cats are SO CUDDLY! 

20180930_171750
Living my best life #blessed

Is there anything that helps you cope when you feel like you can’t leave your home? Let me know in the comments. 

Your friend,

Alicia

Published by Alicia Gallant

I'm a 20-something girl living with severe anxiety and panic on a journey to love myself. I'm becoming a part of the conversation about mental health through honesty and humour. *Photo: Stefanie Moreau Photography

4 thoughts on “Some Days I Don’t Want To Leave My Apartment

  1. I don’t suffer from depression and so I can’t relate to that doom feeling. I can, however, relate to just wanting to be alone. The peace and quiet of aloneness, turning off all the noise for a time. Time to reflect on who I am and examine the thoughts that go though my mind. Write my thoughts down and examine them. It’s what I did in my teenage years. Doom and the end of the world to me then, was breaking up with a girl friend who I really liked. I would journal my frustrations and then sing ” pick yourself up, dust yourself down and start all over again”. Wishing you perseverance with your battles.

    Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: